S1E2 House of the...

`There's a beach home on the shores of Brine Lake that's been abandoned for… well, a long time. I can't figure out who owns it, but it hasn't been listed for sale since at least the 60s. There's been distress calls from passerby, talking about strange noises and moving figures in the window. It could be nothing… or the house could have some unwelcome squatters.

• After being pulled in for a vote on the next mission, the team was sent to an abandoned lakehouse on Brine Lake.

• Mr. Knight is on comms stressing that this is a recon mission! Value your lives above collateral damage! Brush your teeth before bed! And other such mother henisms. Spellweaver is there to spectate. :)

• The team starts out by bickering, mostly. Overheat is quiet, mostly staying to her corner, but Weezer is quickly caught up between Conjuress being obnoxiously a mean girl and Busboy being obnoxiously contrarian.

• When they get there, there isn't much on the outside. Looks abandoned. Overheat is going off and doing recon herself. They eventually go in to investigate directly. Weezer stays outside and sends in Dr. Buzz.

• Once inside, it's a McLodge. There's a big central area and a landing to leads to a lot of rooms on the second floor. Conjuress asks Chip to lock in and actually have her back, so he sticks to her.

• Chip finds a ton of old cobwebs. a LOT of them. Dr. Buzz finds a number of old documents talking about experiments to do with mutations and some kind of "Contaminant". It seems like it's attributed to one Dr. George of VatsCo, a Pharmaceutical company with a far reach in Brinelake. Overheat and Conjuress assist (Conjuress is mostly posting on Twitter), but don't have much luck.

• Intel from Knight says that this guy's been missing for like 20 years. Hm

• They ascend to find a bedroom, where Conjuress gets cat-scared by a pile of clothes in the closet. After being roasted for this, she sifts through and finds that the clothes are 1) not consistent with Dr. George's income bracket, 2) all different sizes, 3) worn, and 4) one's bitten and has blood on it.

• This is a Victim Pile. People mcfucking died in here. Mr. Knight's anxiety meter increased!

• The current running theory is zombies, but the group is having an argument about what to do next. While Busboy and Conjuress snip at each other, Overheat steps away to investigate without these losers. She and Dr. Buzz separately find evidence that something's moving around in here, and come back to report that back to the group only to find a Busboy-and-Conjuress-shaped-outline.

• THOSE TWO are having an argument as they go downstairs. That's not what I meant by fuck off, Busboy!!!!!

• A few things happen pretty close together.

• Weezer, wanting to know what's going on, wanders in from outside.

• Conjuress gets startled, and her powers malfunction, involuntarily blasting a wall open when the creepy sound from upstairs goes past them.

• spider attack!!!! A dog-sized spider bursts out and bites Darla. Busboy blasts it with mustard, which is apparently very painful and smelly to spiders in particular.

• While it retreats, the others catch up in time for the windows and doors to slam shut, sealed by metal bars.

• Just kidding, they have another argument while Conjuress is neurotoxin'd.

• The house is infested by MUTATED SPIDERS!!! Conjuress suggests burning the place down after getting Bad Empath Vibes from the basement, Busboy wants to befriend the spiders. They begin to have an argument about this as no one can agree on what to do

• Busboy begins the Friendshipping. With ketchup. He's helping to clean off the spider that attacked them and offers ketchup as a friend offering

• THEN THE WINDOWS AND DOORS SLAM SHUT, SEALED BY METAL BARS!!!

• Overheat: (Peace sign, melts into the shadows)

• A GUY shows up! It's Dr. George. He's giving us thirty seconds to tell him who we are and why we're here and who sent us.

• This diplomacy initially does no go well. He is angry that his epic plan of pretending the house is abandoned has gained attention, doesn't believe us when we say we're heroes, does not appreciate being called a serial killer, and doesn't like how cagey we are about who sent us.

• He thinks we were sent by VatsCo.

• Busboy takes over negotiations, and does far better at it. He manages to get out of Dr. George that the spiders only killed in self defense, that they're intelligent, and that they just want to be left alone, as VatsCo wants them dead and wants the contaminant samples. He fears that the company will misuse the mutagen.

• Eventually, we negotiate him to come down and give Conjuress the antivenom. While he's doing that, Overheat, who was waiting for her moment, steals his bag and wallet. In the wallet, she finds a wedding picture where the veil covers the entire figure of the woman.

• It becomes increasingly clear that he married that mutant spider and that all the smalled mutant spiders are her kids. Their kids, he insists. They like to watch Bluey. He's a good dad. Very present.

• I cannot overstate how openly besotten this guy is by his spider wife man. All the teenagers there are like. barely holding it together here

• Busboy and Conjuress, now back online, manage to negotiate that the spiders and the doctor could go off somewhere where they won't be bothered by VatsCo, with help from their sponsor. Everything is going great! They unlock the bars and

• VatsCo shows up. fuckkkk

• This guy calls himself Biohazard. He's here to save us! We don't need saving dipshit. Well that's awesome thanks for giving us your location though (holds up Conjuress' Twitter where she posted the interior of the house)

• He's got goons with bug spray guns btw

• Fuckkkkkk!!!

• The team leaps to defend the spiders. Conjuress gives the one that Busboy was befriending a shield, Dr. Buzz leaps to remove a smoke grenade, Overheat strikes from the shadows, and Busboy - oh that's the giant spider queen and she's very mad

• Shit goes to fuck. Our new mission is to make sure that no one dies and get the spiders out alive, apparently

• To that end, Conjuress shoots Biohazard out the door and sends Dr. Buzz after him. Dr. Buzz ragebaits him beautifully, staring down a tanty as the "hero" gets increasingly agitated and basically swears us as enemies and will ruin our careers and do you know who he is etc. etc. Dr Buzz does this epic laugh in his face as the guy attacks him, which doesn't work because he's a Stand. And Weezer gets it on video LMAO

• Conjuress is saved by the spider she shielded, the same one Busboy befriended!

• Inside, Overheat and Busboy are trying to help free the VatsCo grunts and help the doctor calm down his wife. Overheat gets a number of them free, but gets stuck. Asks for Busboy's asssistance, and he goes "nah"

• what

• "nah"

• BRUH

• Instead he takes the wallet photo and shows it to the spider woman (Joro btw) and, between that and her husband's soothing pleas, she calms down enough to be moved and not kill people.

• THEN he frees Overheat :)

• We race to get Joro and the doctor and their kids in a moving van before VatsCo can interfere, and then make a clean getaway.

• There's a touching goodbye as the Doctor thanks the team, and Mr. Knight is VERY proud of everyone for choosing the kindest outcome. The spider we helped out wants to come along, which sends the doctor into proud tears. New roommate :)

• Mr. Knight on comms: new what now

• The team: GO GO GO GUN IT